I huddled in a corner, with the cold air from the air-conditioner blasting at my face.
I listened to the silence of the night.
After a few minutes, I shivered and cocooned myself in the comforts of my blanket. The one I had from my childhood.
It’s nights like these that keeps me up till dawn.
It’s nights like these that made me question my choices.
It’s nights like these that made me doubt myself.
It’s nights like these…… that made me remember everything I don’t want to think about.
Did I make the right choice? Or was there a better alternative? Did I just threw my life away for something I thought I wanted, or even needed?
I want to believe that I chose right; this is the right path and this is how things are supposed to be, but I just can’t shake off the feelings of regret and anxiety.
I regretted not picking the other alternative when I had the power to do so.
At least, I think I do.
Would I feel the same way if I had chosen the alternative?
I’ve once read this somewhere:
Humans are such fickle creatures
One day we want what we want
And the next we want the opposite
That’s just how we are.
Always never content with what we have.
Or is that just a summary of myself?
I rocked back and forth, wanting to block out all the negative thoughts. All of a sudden, there was a peal of laughter from the bottom of my HDB deck. A group of teenagers at my void deck. Talking. Drinking. Laughing. Having fun. And probably being content with the company.
Then, it suddenly dawned upon me:
Is it really an issue of contentment?
To be honest, I always thought that I am a person who is easily content with what she has. I like to think that I’m a person who rarely take things for granted, always thankful for the things I have and the people around me.
What if it’s not regret?
What if it’s just a sign of weakness?
A sign of insecurity?
Insecurity towards my choice and future?
I think, sometimes, we’re just too scared to take full responsibility for our own choice and actions. Thus, we’re always fantasizing about the “what if’s”, “alternatives” and “other possibilities”. I think we need to learn how to live with our choices – at least, I really have to; I can’t just live on thinking about the endless possibilities in life and end up not fully enjoying what I choose to do.
Life is just meant to be enjoyed and experienced.
I just hope by the end of mine, I would have lived a life with no regrets but worthy of its existence.