“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Oh, it’s alright. Me neither.”
“Actually, it’s kind of complicated.”
I started to ramble about you.
How we met, how we didn’t really knew each other though we thought we did, how we got closer over the years, how you asked me out on a date, how I didn’t know what to respond. And most importantly, how I don’t know how I feel towards you. I rambled on and on about anything and everything I could think of, hoping that someone could understand and help me. To teach me how to think, act and feel. Sometimes it’s pointless talking about you to other people. Some say they can’t help since everything boils down to the fact whether I have feelings for you or not. And, of all people, I should be the one to answer that. It’s true. And I understand where they are coming from. But the thing is, relationships aren’t that simple. It does not merely revolve around the fact that I like you or not. Or that we like each other or not. I mean, it does matter. But, it’s not everything. It shouldn’t be everything. It shouldn’t blind you from everything else. I know, many have told me that love is meant to be blind sometimes. That we shouldn’t depend too much on our minds, but on our hearts. We’re nineteen and we’re meant to experience life and love in its fullest. We should inhibit ourselves just because there’s too many other factors to consider. That we should fall hard and love hard while we can.
However, I beg to differ. There was a time when I thought that we should love passionately when we’re teenagers. Love that seemed infinite. Love that is fiery and stronger than anything else in the world. The kind that pumped your heart and have butterflies fluttering in your stomach. But then, now I think about it. There’s more to consider. I can’t just dive into it without a care. It’s just not me. And I want you to love me, not this other person who dives in love because everyone said we have to fall hard and love hard while we can.
So today, I rambled about you to a friend. A friend that I’ve just known recently. A friend who have absolutely no idea who you are. And I must say, I’m so glad I did. I used to tell you I have no idea why I don’t want to be in a relationship even though I do. I just didn’t know how to express it. She did. She managed to put my thoughts into words that I cannot form.
But the thing is, I find myself unable to tell you the things I would like to say.
“In fact, I don’t really want to be in a relationship now.”
“Oh, I understand. It’s not the right time for us, right?”
Right. It’s just a matter of time. I’m nineteen. Not a horrible age to date. In fact, it’s one of the best time to date. People always say University is the best time to find a partner. I wouldn’t dispute that since it’s true. But the thing is, I think being nineteen is a confusing stage in life. I just entered University, in a faculty where I don’t have to declare my major until the second year, but then I still have no idea what I want to do. I have completely no idea what I want to do in the next five years. Heck, I don’t even know what I want to eat for lunch tomorrow. What I’m trying to say is that, I just think that it is a good time for us to explore, reflect and just find out who we are and who we want to be. I need to grow, I need to learn. I need to know who I am, what I like and what I can do. I need more time for myself to do that. I can’t do it if we’re in a relationship. Yes, we can grow together, we can learn together. But then, how can you know me and love me when I don’t even know myself? Or what if I don’t even love myself enough? You can’t. You can’t love someone who doesn’t even know who she is and love herself.
And I’m scared. I’m not that scared of you hurting me, if you’re asking. I’m scared of hurting you. I remember once telling you about my theory of Romeo’s ‘love’ for Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. I remember saying that Romeo doesn’t love Juliet like the way we thought he did. Or like the way they thought he did. To me, Romeo just simply in love with the idea of love. He was just in love with the idea of falling in love. Not Juliet. And it’s quite scary seeing how both of them died thinking that they loved each other. If they lived, they would probably have broken up after a while. At least, that’s what I thought. Similarly, I’m scared that I’m the Romeo. I’m scared that the idea of love had enticed me so much that I thought I have feelings for you. And, it’s probably true. Maybe you wouldn’t buy my argument, but then that’s what I really think and feel.
I don’t think you’ll ever see this. I’ll probably tell you about all these pent-up feelings about us. Hopefully soon. But all I want to say is, I hope you would let me go and pursue the happiness you deserve. That hopefully the time will be right for you then. And that you’ll be happier than you are now. And that I can be ready for the right person at the right time, and we’ll be happy for each other in the time to come.